I seem to be out of sinc with the rest of my reality.
What does that mean?
I'm not sure, but I just don't feel as if I have a handle on things.
The pain has subsided but I still feel an afterglow?
I have gotten used to being cut off from everyone that I feel almost naked without the pain.
Does that make any sense?
Don't get me wrong, I still have stiffness and my muscles are fatigued, but the major pain is gone for now
I have a sense that it is just around the corner waiting for me to drop my guard.

My life is a house of cards.
One little breath of ill wind will knock it down.
This feeling of living on the edge of disaster is starting to make me numb.
I cannot keep up the constant dealing,compromising,scratching,tap-dancing that I do to keep the house of cards from falling.
Something has to happen soon
I keep praying

I have been feeling pretty good for the last couple of days.
So why is it that I want to smoke so much?
I mean, I quit smoking 16 months ago but when I start feeling better and don't have the joint pain as much and my muscles ache but are not fatigied My thoughts turn to having a smoke!
Very frustrating!
Because of the illness I'm broke and I'm sure the stress of trying not to loose the house has something to do with the urge to smoke.
I will not smoke though.
For one thing I could not afford it!

My Mother was a juggler, she juggled the pessimism of my Grandmother, the alergies of my Father, the thin skin of my sister and the insanity that was me. She did all this with 'apparant' ease although I know it could not have been. SHe cooked and cleaned and kept our family together, I don't know what her dreams are or were, but she has a great faith a quiet one, raised Catholic, turned Lutheran she never realy spoke about religion to me while I was growing up. She lived her faith and it was Dad's job to teach it. My Mother quietly prayed for all of us and God answered each and every prayer with "I have sent them you Dorothy."