I've become numb.
Pain does that to you, Either you are hyper sensitive or you become numb to the world around you.
I think the pain killers help with that numbness but its not the main cause. I try not to take them most of the time because I don't like the way they fuzz my brain. But one can only take the pain for so long before you go crazy. Pain makes the world smaller. As the pain grows my world shrinks, I notice less and less of whats going on around me. Its as if there is a bubble aroung me, about 2-3 feet, and all that goes on inside that bubble is all that exists for me. I am aware that there is a world outside the bubble but I can't see it clearly.
Oh how I wish the bubble would pop! The world would rush in and I would 'feel' again. Not pain, but I would feel life.

Answers!

GOing broke because of the economy, my health, my life, the war. A million excuses, but it comes down to me being a failure at least on some level. How do I change that? What do I do? how do I do it?

I go to church,
I'm honest,
I work hard,
I love my children,
I love and am faithfull to my wife,

Yet

I have no money,
I can't seem to succeed,
Either I am cursed or stupid,

I do not like either option

I think I have to cut off my emotional journey.
My internal growth towards eleigtenment has got to stop.
Its interfering with "reality"
Gotta make money.
Gotta raise the family.
gotta keep working, driving, dying.